


The Extraordinary Footnotes of Grimm Burkhardt

by selim_nagisokrov



Category: Grimm (TV)
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-07
Updated: 2013-01-07
Packaged: 2017-11-24 02:22:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/629244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selim_nagisokrov/pseuds/selim_nagisokrov
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for Grimm-Kink. Tyler Barns has come to Portland to meet the new Grimm. Checking the work of his 'brother in arms', he discovers a few secrets that were better as secrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Extraordinary Footnotes of Grimm Burkhardt

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Grimm. I am not making any money off this piece of fiction

Tyler Barns had been breastfeed how to be a Grimm. He held his first weapon at the sound age of five under his father's tutelage as an out of control creature tore up their family home in Colorado. He made his first kill at nine, under order from his grandmother, in the back alley of the school. When he told his mother what he'd done to the snake-like creature, she'd patted his head before rewarding him a peanut butter and banana sandwich. He fully came into his powers with the death of his grandmother, who'd been in Egypt at the time, at the age of twelve. He saw the world for what it truly was by thirteen.

Although not very old, now at the age of nineteen, Tyler felt he'd seen it all. There was nothing that could surprise him.

On his way through Portland, he'd only smirked when he caught wind of a Grimm already in the area. He'd heard rumors before of a Grimm of course but it'd never fazed him so much. Some creatures made the stories up to keep real Grimms from tracking them down.

This was one a sure fire Grimm, apparently the nephew of the Legendary Marie Kessler.

The newbie was still wet behind the ears. He was easy to trace to his storage compartment of weapons, in a tiny trailer in a construction zone next to the freeway. Tyler had to wait two days for Nick to leave the haunted little steel trap so he could investigate the Grimm in his natural habitat.

_I just want to make sure he's doing his job right,_ Tyler justified while jimmying the lock of the old trailer. It was rare for a Grimm to stay in one place but if Grimm Burkhardt was doing his job correctly than more power to him to have one place protected from wayward creatures.

Grimm Burkhardt's log book was tucked neatly next to Grimm Kessler's own thick book. Relaxing at the desk, Tyler flipped open the pages, glancing over the list of incidents and with what creature. He whistled lowly. Grimm Burkhardt had seen many kinds of Wesen with impressive tallies next to them. The only thing that bothered him was the messy scrawl at the bottom of the page, a footnote really, stating: "Numbers indicate number of cases worked with. Kills will be addressed in context of which they happen."

"How can there be anything else  _but_ kills?" Tyler tossed his foot on the desk, kicking over a notebook. He angrily began flipping through pages, going from the first case ever encountered to the most recent case. As he went, he began counting on his fingers the number of kills actually made.

Not enough to even move onto toes.

There were, however, an alarming number of notes and exceptions to rules addressed in the main books about clusters of creatures.

_Bauerschwein_ do _take mud baths. When investigating their house, be sure to poke around any bodies of mud you may find. Apparently it helps them think._

The corner of Tyler's eye twitched. That was hardly news worthy. They were  _pigs_ for crying out loud. Not even a threat to anyone outside Grimm Burkhardt's investigation between the everlasting conflict between Bauerschwein and Blutbaden

_May it be noted that Wieder Blutbaden do not exactly follow the same rules. While there is no general consensus how to truly be a Wieder, there are multiple cases in which it has shown to be an effective practice. I have recently been acquainted with one who did eat meat – just not the kind from a human or a personal kill. He was very inclined to_ pork _and knew all the best BBQ places in the area, especially those that delivered. If the circumstances surrounding his death were not so (pardon the pun) grim, I would have perhaps joked about this being a private inclination to continue the fued amongst Bauerschwein without actually killing a Bauerschwein._

"Well 'ha, ha, ha'. Tyler turned the page. He hated Grimms with a sense of humor as much as he hated Blutbaden. But from just the first few pages, Grimm Burkhardt had a liking for the killers.

_To my successor. First, may I apologize about the job being thrust upon you. Second, beware of the Eisbiber. Nice people. Won't take your money for services rendered (I suggest asking a friend to hire them and pay a gratuitous tip). Help them once and they're your friend for life, which is nice until they fill you up on pie. If Wesen don't kill me, diabetes will._

…What?

Tyler re-read that. What kind of Grimm would willing eat anything a Wesen gave them? For all he knew, those beavers could have been trying to poison him!

_A friend once told me to count my fingers after shaking hands with a Fuchsbau. I don't think Rosalee would ever steal my fingers, she'd never know what to do with them (well she would, but I don't think she wants in on that business after what went down between her brother and me over body parts). Even though they're sly creatures, consider all information before making a decision on how to work with one. Sometimes they're one of the only people you can trust in a tight situation._

Under that, in smaller handwriting, was another footnote.

_And don't ever forget one's birthday - especially if they know ways to poison you without killing you._

And  _now_ he learned his lesson about trusting Wesen. Tyler puffed out. What a stupid Grimm worked in this area. Perhaps he should stay awhile and get it under control?

_Befriend a Jägerbär, and not the traditional kind. A nice progressive Jägerbär can help you in a tight situation. Piss one off and they might try kicking you off their property. On this note: don't nearly get a Blutbad kicked off their own property (territory) by the Jägerbär in charge of his home loan. In the end you have to do a lot of groveling to a lot of people in high up spaces. When I told Roddy he could let his rats roam on the east side of the woods, I didn't know someone actually lived there._

Two pages after was a footnote under Reinigen.

_These guys will rat out on you when in trouble. One is particular is starting to like the phrase "The Grimm said I could…" which gets him out of trouble and puts said Grimm and a very annoyed Blutbad in a bad situation with the bank. Did you know even if you get rid of all the rats in a location, the property value still goes down signficiantly? I did not know that._

The worst was the Blutbaden section, which was a rather lengthy series of entries constantly being revised.

There was a few about developmental facts of wild Blutbaden raised without human touch. Tyler considered some of the notes about instinct developmental and ritualistic behavior of Grimm Burkhardt's own case study but he didn't consider it for to long as he started in one Footnotes mostly taken up by the experience of this one Grimm's  _private_ Blutbad companion.

_Contrary to what they say, Blutbaden are affected by the full moon. They don't get a bloodlust or anything. They're overwhelmed by a lustful feeling and unless they have a willing partner, most tend to lock themselves away from the night. I go visit Juliette up in Seattle during full moons. If you take any advice from me at all, get out of town because while they're not exactly killers during this time, the opposite isn't as much fun as it would seem._

And the day after is worse. That couch cushion was not my fault.

Tyler grumbled.

_There are different kinds of Wieder Blutbaden. The strictest of those are anal retentive. If you want to punish them, put their socks in their underwear drawer. Messes with their head for weeks._

A few more pages.

_When annoyed with a Blutbad, do not try to end an argument with the classic comeback_ 'bite me' _as this will be taken as an offer._

The next line was written in a neat block letters, definitely not Grimm Burkhardt's footnote. There had also been an attempt to cross the footnote out.

_No Blutbaden should be expected to show restraint when a Grimm fails to take in consideration the predisposed instinct to kidnap, fatten, then eat individuals in red._

Grimm Burkhardt's scrawl followed.

_Seriously? You put that in my book?_

The block letters, even smaller.

_Well I did kidnap you, fatten you up, and eat you. Out._

Again a scrawl of writing, slightly bigger than the block letters.

_Dear God, you went there?_

Block letters (it was getting harder to read).

_I'm entitled to save face._

The next entry was written at the very bottom, moving up the page along the corners. Someone had made yet another attempt and scratching out this footnote.

_For the record: it was red boxers, he carried me upstairs, we may have knotted a couple of times, and then he really wolfed out and ate me out. There was no killing._

Answering that:

_**I am Monroe, slayer of Grimm Nick!** _

And after:

_I should just tear this page out._

Tyler ripped it out, grabbed his backpack and stormed out of the trailer in the same wave of motion. Whatever Nick Burkhardt was doing, he didn't need help from a real Grimm.


End file.
